Blood is thicker than water they say, YOU CANNOT chose your family but you sure can choose your friends..
For years and years I believed that and this made me susceptible to manipulation and blackmail and the unconscious criticism that seemed to fill the tense air at family gatherings (which sometimes feel a bit forced and conventional). Don’t get me wrong, I have a strong sense of togetherness and connectedness with people. Family is a item on the wish list that most people want to achieve one day. Hopefully a functional, stable and intimate family, one that goes on trips and has family dinners every night and everyone sits at the table, telling the tales of their day. The thing is that is mostly a far-fetched idealistic view of a family because a family is filled with hate as much as it is filled with love. It is heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time. It makes your cry, laugh and angry. It is far from perfect and it will drive you up the wall sometimes but it will also make you happy to be alive. There are family feuds, tension from years ago, the secrets and the lies. And this may be enough to break anyone and harden their souls. Well I am hear to tell you that you will be okay and that you have the opportunity to create your own little nest one day, one that does not follow the traditional generations before you, one that is flawed to perfection and that rests on emotional connectedness. I wish peace and love upon all my readers, and for those who struggle with good relationships in their family, those who feel abandoned, neglected and hurt, I am here to help you through that journey. Keep rising above.
I have this deep feeling inside that makes me doubt humanity and everything it encompasses, even myself , it takes on many forms and it’s brutal in its path to destruction, you the holder of your soul, your energy and your true self finds itself in the tiny crevices of this path.
The way in which our mind can trap us is really profound. It leads to a sense of suffocation, anxiety-provoking feelings and loneliness, well I am here to tell you that you are not alone, your mind is powerful so much so that it can induce feelings or thoughts that seem cruel and hurtful, you have to understand that this is perfectly normal and you should not beat yourself up about it. As a psychology student I have learnt that certain emotions and feelings can bring about certain behaviors, good and bad.
The moment your mind allows these emotions and feelings into your consciousness, it already has a hold on you, a hold on your behavior. So then let’s all start by replacing these thoughts with more positive ones, and I know that this might be easier said than done (trust me I’ve been there). Remind yourself that you are for example, a good listener, you have this unique ability to write and your words captivates its audience in miraculous ways, you have a purpose and you belong in this world to make your mark.
I know that life can get you down sometimes and the bad days seem to surpass the good, and I know that you feel worthless sometimes, incapable too. And I am not here to quote some cliche motivational quotes to brighten your day, but I would like to leave on this note: You have one life and one life only, stop trying so hard to impress others, stop trying to change your hair, your body, your likes and dislikes to fit society and its made up constructs anyway, live a life of curiosity, risks, midnight swims in the river, hikes on the mountain tops, road trips into the unknown, just do me one favour: LIVE!
Have you ever been knocked down in life?, the same question is asked in the caption of this picture, for the purpose of not letting you think too long and too deeply, whatever readily comes to mind is something that has knocked you down, maybe once or twice or even more times, just like this tree was knocked down by a ruthless storm. Leaving the tree exposed at its roots, with the roots poking out at all angles and sides.
Do you sometimes feel like when you’re experiencing a storm in your life, you feel somewhat exposed, you feel like others can see YOUR roots sticking out from all angles and sides, these roots representing your flaws, bad habits and maybe your insecurities. Why is it that when we are knocked down in life, our ”ugly” side comes out, we say and do things that hurt others, the roots that are ever so exposed, reaches out and it stabs someone in the heart, in the eye, blinding them to the truth about who we really are.
Why do we wait until we face something drastic in our lives, to show our true colors, our deepest fears, our fantasies and regrets. How much better would the world be if each and every person just embraced their true selves, whether that be your stubbornness, your inability to make decisions, your irrational self, the you that loves taking risks without caring about what others think, or the you that loves being alone sometimes and enjoying your own company, but it never happens because you’re scared people might label you as a loner, an outsider, and introvert (PS: there is nothing wrong with being an introvert, in fact in my opinion these are one of the smartest people around, I mean they are able to choose when they feel like interacting with others, instead of going to a house party when in your head you’d rather stay home and catch up on Anime shows you’ve been dying to watch).
I’d like to leave you with the challenge of being your brutally honest, authentic and unique self, from now till forever, remember your vibe attracts your tribe.
What have you been searching for?. A better life, a way out, an escape from reality. Aren’t we as humans constantly searching?, searching for something to satisfy our aching souls from the world we once perceived as loving and exciting but as we grow older we realize how dark and consuming it really can be. I’m not trying to be dark and depressing but my mind works like that sometimes, it thinks these thoughts that make me question everything, even my own existence. I have not yet found a way out of the black hole that sometimes comes like a thief in the night to drown me in despair and loneliness, I have not yet been able to find the cause of all this and still I am not able to get it together sometimes, sometimes I feel like I am trapped in a world that I’m not even sure even exists because these random pangs of hurt and heartbreak literally come at the worst time and it feels like it takes every thing away from me, even my breath. Maybe I’m in too deep, maybe I am searching too hard, or maybe I’m just lucky ( should I even count myself lucky or is that crazy?), lucky to have found out the truth about life. But then again this could all be a facade, and my mind could be playing tricks on me like it always does. What I’m trying to say is that I don’t know what to believe anymore. I am constantly searching for this thing that I cannot put into words but keeps me up at night wondering , “how will I ever reach it?”.
Your job is not to judge. Your job is not to figure out if someone deserves something. Your job is to lift the fallen, to restore the broken, and to heal the hurting.
Therapy. Therapy of any sort. A cliche name for ”you need serious mental help”, well that’s only what I’ve heard people say, but I believe that it takes great inner strength to allow someone, a stranger for that matter, into your head, feelings and emotions and allow them to make sense of the jumbled up chaos in your head.
I have always admired the passionate and delicate way that therapists/psychologists handle the most heartbreaking revelations from people they hardly know, someone they could be saving. The way they make no judgement, and offer up every single day of their lives to make a someone’s life better, during just a single session which lasts for the most 1 hour.
I would love to be on the receiving end of thee most heartbreaking and compelling stories. I would love to be there because I feel my purpose in life is to help others and I would like to leave a good legacy behind for those that follow in my footsteps.
Every single day I am working my hardest in becoming the best clinical psychologist I possibly can be for my future patients, I would like to fill them with hope and endless possibilities, give them a sense of direction in life after they have felt that they have lost their way. And I would like them to leave feeling like they are light as a feather and that all their worries and troubles ceased to exist any longer.
I am and I will be the best clinical psychologist you have ever seen, tell your family, tell your friends, that I am going to change the world one day.
I’m sure many of us have seen a broken bridge before , whether in person or elsewhere , usually it would be fixed as soon as possible because people make use of it to get from one side to another . There cannot be a “gap” am I right?. I would like to leave you with this question, have you ever been afraid to have a gap in your life for fear that it won’t get you to the “other side” as quickly as you wanted , wherever that may be..
The story of my gap
Many would say that having your life in order would mean that you haven’t taken any breaks , you work on yourself constantly and you never back down. I beg to differ.
When I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, I came to the conclusion that I really couldn’t make up my mind at the tender age of 17/18, I still had so much to learn about the world how could I possibly choose the route I’d like to take for the rest of my life?.
My friends and others around me seemed to have this all figured out and I thought wow, how much more trapped can they be, following societal rules and thinking that if they didn’t have their future career plans on a blueprint then they would be failing at life, right?.
Now there are many controversial topics on taking a gap year. People say, “you’re wasting your time”, “you’ll become lazy”, “you’re just going to sit at home for a year and be a couch potato?”. Well, I took a gap year and I can say with all honesty that it was one of the best decisions I have ever made.
During this time I reflected on life. And in my mind I needed this break to get out of the box that I was confined in for most of my schooling career, the box that mainstreamed A+ students, teachers pets and having your whole life planned out at 17. I needed to find me, the me that had so much potential and so much strength yet never got the opportunity to exercise it.
And boy did I make a lot of mistakes along the way. Rejection was a huge part of the journey too. But now when I look back I understand why I had to take a break , I needed it because it was okay not to know what I wanted to do, in fact this break was a way for me to unlearn the things that society taught me and learn about me, about what I really wanted to do.
I realized that I was standing on one side of the bridge and everyone around me was just trying to find a way to get to the other side, even if it meant falling right off and later calling out for help, regretting their jump. I realized that I was able to see the life I truly wanted waiting for me on the other side of the bridge but I came to understand that I needed time and patience to wait for the right moment.
I would like to end this blog by saying that it’s okay to take a break , do not feel obliged by anyone or anything. Do not follow others and think that you have to “keep up” with them. You are on your own journey , pave your own path. And taking a break doesn’t make you less than another person , in fact it means that you have the inner strength to patiently wait for what’s yours and you are not rushing into anything.
I hope that this inspired you and I hope that you’re all on your own journey of finding yourself and that you listen to your heart when it tells you that you need to wait and not hurry, for what is meant for you will always be yours even if it’s between two mountains.
I am a stoner , a proud one , whatever your thoughts may be about marijuana, this is how it changed my life..
Weed, kush, ganja, cannabis, whatever you call this substance,this is the story of how it changed my life for the better and how it opened my eyes to reach new heights. Firstly I come from a family and a community that does not necessarily advocate this substance and especially coming from a coloured community. This negative views was indoctrinated onto us by our parents that have been indoctrinated by their parents, and as you can tell it’s just a toxic cycle of lies and hatred for a substance that will not even come close to the damage that alcohol causes.
Anyhow my story starts by me ”experimenting” as they would call it, like any other kid, also I was and still am a very curious person and so I never settled for anything that anyone tells me, but always felt the need to challenge the beliefs and morals that have been laid down before me and so although I knew the views my family had I still wanted to experience things for myself. And just a word of advice, never believe that you have to always follow what your elders have laid before you, use it as a guide but never a way of life, find your own purpose, find your own voice and never be afraid to voice your opinion and stand firmly in what you believe in.
My journey towards self discovery started when I finally left my home town, on the search for my true purpose and passion in life. It was here when I realized the powerful impact that marijuana had on my life, and the positive vibes and energy that came with it. It opened my eyes and changed my perspectives and made me reach for greater heights and for that I will be eternally grateful.
In 2019 during February I had a personal hurdle that threw me off balance and being in a new city all by myself with nobody to lean on and the only connection I had to my family was to be made through facetimes and phone calls. It was then that I sat down and asked myself what am I really here for?. The simple answer was: to prove everyone wrong who doubted you and thought you would never make it big. That’s when I threw myself into my studies and now I can say that it was the best decision of my life.
Weed became something I did to relax , enjoying the time with the amazing friends I made and it felt like home, it felt like I was finally part of something bigger than myself, and I was moving in the right direction of finding myself, my true self.
It became a daily habit to hang out with friends and have a “sesh” as we would call it. During that time we’d have the most incredible and intellectual conversations that would blow my mind. And I can say with honesty that this journey has allowed me to meet the most amazing souls to ever walk across this earth.
Now you might be wondering , now where in the world did I find the time to be productive and actually doing what I was there to do. Well being in Port Elizabeth finally gave me a sense of freedom that I had been seeking my entire life, it made me want to be better , do better and work harder than I ever had in my life.
And weed helped me do that , I am proud to say that in my very first year of doing my BA psychology degree I obtained a total of 9 distinctions out of the 11 modules I took. And yes I am and was a stoner even back then, all you have to do is know your priorities and make time for that which is important to you and psychology is my life , it’s my desire and passion and it lights my soul on fire 🔥 and I have this deep longing to help people and understand the depths of their soul, and therefore I will always wake up with a smile on my face and my heart will always beat a little faster when I think about how I’m going to change the world one day.
I’d like to end this blog by saying that , despite all the hurdles and challenges thrown at you throughout your life’s journey , always be true to yourself , shout from the top of the mountains if you truly are passionate and believe in something so deeply it gives you goosebumps, listen to the opinions of others and don’t disregard them, but formulate your own opinions, make your own mistakes, fall down a 100 times and get back up 101 times.
And to all my stoners, stay blessed and stay lifted xx
How long do you think it took this elephant to find this watering hole and cool his/her body off?. Maybe it took two seconds or maybe it even took two weeks. I’ll leave you with this question: Have you given up on finding your true purpose in life or are you searching for that watering hole that will replenish your thirst and give you the same satisfaction as the elephant in this image. If so I applaud and encourage you to keep going.
Finding my purpose
A wise man once said that: If you want to find your purpose in life, find your wound- Rick Warren. I have come to learn that this statement fits my journey on finding my purpose like a glove. When I was around 2 years old my parents got separated and I went to live with grandparents. I never really pondered on why they split or if I was possibly the cause of it like many kids assume when their parents separate. I never did this because my grandparents created a safe and loving home for me and that thought just never crossed my mind.
I got the odd questions and uncomfortable looks and stares at parent conferences and sports days when only one of my parents would show up or they would both be there standing at a distance from each other. Later in my teens did I really start ”acting up” or being a rebel as they would say. I began hating my parents and demanding answers, it was as if only now was I beginning to take notice of how this was controlling and impacting my life. I feel like this impacted me the worst through my high school years because it was as if I was just drifting through my school days and besides the fact that I genuinely hated school I just felt this deep hatred and anger that was always at the back of my mind waiting to lash out.
But as time went on I realized that I could not live like this forever. I had to address the WOUND. I started becoming actively involved in sports and cultural activities. Apart from all that I went to see a life coach and that changed my life forever. We did multiple activities and we went back into my childhood and younger days and all the trauma that I had experienced which could block me from reaching my potential, my true purpose. It was here where I underwent tests and assessments that revealed that I was a helper and that I was deep and sensitive and that these were my strengths all along.
It was here when I realized that I wanted to pursue psychology. I wanted to help others through the same or even worse trauma that I had experienced and I wanted to give people hope and make them happy again, make them want to live again and be the best version of themselves. The moral of this story is to never ever settle for less, never let anything block you from achieving your purpose, and most importantly have those uncomfortable and difficult talks, set yourself free from the trauma and hurt that encompasses your soul and mind.
Remember that nothing is too small or too large to overcome or fix. And remember that if something has hurt you deeply or has traumatized you it is never too late to bring it up and heal. Take this from someone who knows that trauma can manifest in you and break you and leave you wounded for the rest of your life, worst of all it could block you from being your true self and reaching your true potential and you wouldn’t want to live with those regrets of not fixing your wound now would you?.
I hope all of you are searching for your own watering hole and I hope that you find absolute joy and happiness when you look upon the horizon and you find what you have been searching for.
Converse with Kayla 